No, You Don’t Need to Let Them

There’s a popular snippet floating around the internet and wellbeing spaces at the moment. The idea that, if someone treats you badly, you should just ‘let them’.

I’d like you to consider that this is, at the least, avoidant, and at the most harmful.

Human beings, as incredible as they are, are not mind readers. Many people trot about their lives with little consideration to how they’re impacting others. Not because they’re bad people – because they’re human.

If we simply ‘let them’ behave however they wish without letting them know how it’s impacted us, how on earth are they going to know?

Of course you cannot control someone else’s behaviour. But what you can do is say ‘hey, this thing happened and here’s how it affected me. In future, it would be great if X could happen instead of Y’. A tough conversation to have? Sure. A healthier approach? 100%. If you simply ‘let them’ you’re either allowing yourself to be treated like shit or you just cut people off with no indication as to what’s happened?

If, once you have had that uncomfortable conversation, said person still chooses to ignore your needs? Then you have a choice. You can say ‘hey, I asked for this and it didn’t happen. If it carries on unfortunately I’m going to have to (insert appropriate boundary here – I won’t answer the phone, I won’t be available, I won’t be in a relationship with you, whatever fits).

The other potentially problematic thing with ‘let them’ is that honestly, it perpetuates that person’s victim mentality. They have no idea what they’ve done, they haven’t experienced any consequences and therefore they have no opportunity to grow or change. But you? You’re the bad guy because you didn’t communicate.

Imagine if you were inadvertently doing or saying something that bothered someone you cared about. Would you want them to just allow it? To continue to put themselves in harm’s way just so that you could be more comfortable? I doubt it. Part of learning to live with others is to compromise, to shift, to change. And if you do want others to be uncomfortable just so your life is easier? Get yourself to therapy asap.