Let’s face it – if you’re a mother, the chances are you’ve experienced a moment (or several of them) where you realised that you are no longer a priority. Your identity is no longer your own. Something happens, during pregnancy, where somehow you cease to be a human with human needs. Now, you’re just a baby placeholder.
Gross. And, honestly, rage-inducing.
I recall vividly the moment where I realised that my rights, dignity, sense of self or any boundaries I might have about how I would like to be treated were suddenly irrelevant.
Recovering from an emergency caesarean, a traumatic experience I wasn’t expecting at all, as a young mum without the knowledge and experience I have now – people piled into to ‘visit’ just a few hours after I’d been the most terrified I’d ever been in my life. Were they interested in me? No. They were there to look at The Baby.
As awful as that was, I know it’s not a unique experience. This was one of my experiences of ‘matrescence’ and nobody had forewarned me what a transformative adventure it would be (in lots of ways, good, bad, messy and everything in between).
Matrescence was a term originally coined by an anthropologist called Dana Raphael. Essentially, it is the shifts and changes that a person goes through on their journey to motherhood.
This covers physical elements, emotional, hormonal, existential, neurological and yes – social (here’s looking at that moment I realised my social standing had shifted).
It is a profound experience, where your brain physically changes – you are now wired to feel more anxiety (need to keep an extra human alive) and everything about how you view the world shifts.
And yet – it is expected that, despite these monumental, life-altering changes, you get totally onboard with it all, entirely accepting that The Baby has now swallowed your identity whole, you have no needs any more and on top of that, this transformation has included the ability to simultaneously bake bread, breastfeed, clean the house and look like you’ve just walked out of a magazine photoshoot.
Phew.
Exhausting. Unrealistic. Damaging.
So if you’re a mum/mum-to-be reading this, please – give yourself a tiny little break today. This stuff is hard. Matrescence isn’t just about becoming a mother – it’s about transforming into a new you – so treat it with the respect, consideration and compassion it deserves (and if you’re not a mum/mum-to-be, extend a little more empathy in the way of someone who is, if you can).
Thanks for reading. If something in this piece stirred something in you, or you’re wondering what it might be like to explore these themes in therapy, you’re welcome to reach out. I offer sessions in-person at the therapy and counselling centre I run in Cheshire, and a limited amount of online sessions across the UK. You can find out more by heading to Insightful Life – Therapy & Counselling Centre
Insightful Life 
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